


I will never get over you

by I_almost_do



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, about how they would work it out, everything is canon up to 5x11, thoughts i had in the middle of the night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 18:54:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15467814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_almost_do/pseuds/I_almost_do
Summary: "Wish I could say somethingSomething that doesn't sound insaneBut lately I don't trust my brain"After all that had happend, Clarke just wants a place to put her thoughts in order, but Bellamy ends up hearing everything she said to herself.





	I will never get over you

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time i wrote something like this, I hope you enjoy.  
> The title and quote are from "want you back - 5 seconds of summer"

Things had been quiet for a couple of hours. The aftermath still everywhere to be seen but everyone was settle in the village or being treated. Madi was with Gaya maybe because she was still to angry or because Clarke just needed time to process everything that had happened in the last couple of weeks. Her life had fallen apart again. Now she was just left to deal with the consequences of her choices and she didn't know what to feel. Her daughter seemed to hate her, she left her best friend to die, her friends wanted her dead for messing with their family. She didn't really blamed them, six years are a long time but it still hurts like hell to be left out, not to be important for them anymore.  
So she just took the rover off into the woods. She knew it like the back of her hand and she needed to get away from all the judging stares and comments. She drove without a destination just letting her mind take her and she ended up by the river.  
She set there, got her sketchbook and started to draw pretending like she was still waiting. She drew her mother, Madi, the 100, Bellamy. And it became too much to handle. So she gets up, walks to the rover and pickup her radio cause she needed to talk to him. The one she waited for, the one who always had her back, her best friend. She doesn't really turns the radio on, she just talks to the mic.  
"Here we go again... Hey Bell, I'm sorry, it's been awhile since i did this last and i lost count in day 2200." she says with a sad chuckle "I screwed up again. I always have to make the hard choice and people keep hating me for it. I closed the dropship door. I pulled the lever in mouth Weather. I shut down the city of light. I got left behind so you could live. I was here, for over six years, praying you'd come back to me and things would be fine again. I was losing my mind. I almost killed myself cause i didn't had hope anymore. Then I got a daughter, another part of the family that I would protect no matter what. And you got yourself a new family. One I was not a part of." She pauses and looks down when she feels the tears streaming down her face.  
"I thought we were still in sync. That we could make things together" Her voice cracks at that word. "But I was wrong. I listened to you, but you went over me to save your family at the cost of mine. She will never be the same, I was never the same after all that responsibility. You said you would protect her. You promised me. And now I got nothing. She hates me, they hate me. You hate me. And I'm back at wandering off in the woods because I have to carry the weight off all that happened. I carry so they don't have to, hun. No one sees how heavy it is, no one cares if I can handle it, I just have to. Well, I finally cracked, Bell, without you I don't think I can carry this around. You used to make me feel safe and cared for, like I didn't have to do it alone. But you took my advice, you're the heart and the head and you don't need me anymore..." She stops when she hears a noise, looking back and cursing at herself for not noticing him earlier.  
Bellamy was standing before her looking like someone just hit him in the head, shock written all over his face.  
"What you're doing here?" she asks, going full defensive.  
"Clarke, I..."  
"How much did you heard?" She asks a little angry, a little scared.  
"Clarke" He steps closer but she just steps back, getting closer to the water.  
"Why are you here, Bellamy?"  
"You were gone, the rover was gone, I just followed the tracks." He says, looking around, his expression dropping even more when she doesn't react.  
"How much did you heard?" She repeats scared of his answer.  
"Enough"  
"That's not an answer" She crosses her arms in front of her.  
"Day 2200? All of it? What is this?" He asks, feeling confused and disarmed, cause he wanted to stay angry, but he couldn’t.  
"My way of staying sane" her voice gets lower but he hears it.  
"What does it mean?" He's just really confused right now, trying to understand what he just witnessed.  
"It means I called you, you idiot." she starts to get angry again, not really sure if because of him or of herself, and drops the radio. "2199 calls, no answers. I felt really stupid when I realized that you didn't heard it all."  
His expression keeps changing, every emotion splattered in his face.  
He doesn't seem to react at all and she just picks up her stuff and walks towards the rover.  
Seeing her moving, walking away, seems to break him out of his trance and he tries to reach her but she backs out again.  
"Clarke, come on, that's not fair" he just stands there not really knowing what to do. "I thought you were dead. I thought I killed leaving you behind." His face so full of guilt and sadness that it disarms her a little and she doesn’t move when he takes a step forward. "I believed you were dead and it was my fault and it was the worse thing I've ever felt in my life. I had to try. I had to do what it takes to keep us alive because you died so we could live. I didn't even dared to hope you were alive, cause the thought of  
leaving you alone was worse. I did what I did cause it was the only way to keep you safe. I knew you'd hate me. Madi didn't even had to tell me that you would never forgive me. You being alive and hating my guts is better than you dying. I can't go through losing you again."  
Hear Madi's name made her angry again.  
"She's my kid, Bellamy, my daughter. I'm her mother, I would happily die to keep her safe. It was not your choice to make. I can't believe I waited 2199 days for you to betray me." She tosses the radio at his direction, not really wanting to hurt him, just let off some of the anger "But you just had to save you family even if it coasted mine." she's back at crying again. "She's all I have, Bell, I don't have anyone else"  
That just breaks her and he does not think, he just goes in to comfort her, pulling her into his arms.  
Being in his arms just makes her more vulnerable, so she sobs hanging on to him like her life depended on it, even if he was just taking pity of her.  
"You have me" he says to her hair, but she doesn't believe him.  
"No. I don't. I love you, but you don't love me back."  
This words just takes him out of guard and he stiffens in his spot while she closes her eyes and backs out realizing what she just said.  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that" regret all over her face.  
"I don't love you?" it sounds angrier than he wanted but he keeps going. "Clarke, I was willing to kill 283 people to get you back. I poisoned my sister so you would not get executed." His voice cracks and Clarke's face goes from disbelief, to shock, to understanding, to regret then back to sadness. "My little sister, Clarke. All I'm doing so far is to make sure that I don't have to go through another day of thinking that you were dead. You have no idea of how much I beat myself up in the last six years. All the chances I had to tell you how I felt. My last words to you being ‘you too’." He chuckles at his thought. “How you died and I didn’t get a chance to tell you how much you mean to me, or actually, how you didn’t let me being all ‘no, you will’. And you were right, I did, after 2199 days of thinking you were dead. I mourned you, Clarke. I grieved, I cried, I yelled, I wished it was me who died cause there was no way I could do it without you.” He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “There was no way I would be able to keep everyone alive and together, but I had to or else you’d died in vain. Yes, they are my family and I’ll do what it takes to keep them safe, but you are more than my family, you are a part of me, Clarke. There is no way I will not do whatever it takes to keep you alive. It’s all that makes sense to me” He stops and look at her, her face conflicted as she go back into his arms.  
“We can fix this, together.” He says.  
And for the first time in a long time, she doesn’t feel alone.


End file.
